Date: Tue, 7 Jan 1997 12:17:26 -0500 From: Charlie Ford Subject: The Mysteries of Preparations (Deep) Since the 31st of December I have been sleeping in my bus. The Mothership is a very comfy zone, with all of the ammenties of home except for lots of room and running water. Other than that she is quite nice to sleep, slumber, and entertain ;) in. Last night was not as comfortable as the previous few, in that dreams filled my sleep. These were not the nice type. The folks that walked in them were the same ones I just said goodbye to a few days ago along with some i just didn't know at all. They were all upset at me in my dreams, where in reality they are not. There were tears of joy, sadness, and anger, all which served to make for a very confusing walk in sleeps myst. When I woke this morning, I was somewhat upset. I felt a heaviness that I couldn't shake for a while. It was as if I just had to think about it, to try and rationalize what in all honesty is non-rational. I know the content of one's dreams is nothing more than the conjuring of an anxious mind or upset stomach. But all the same, they do tend to sometimes lay heavy on us. I have left no dangling strings, I have no ghost to contend with, at least no more than anyone else would have. Maybe it is nothing more than the trauma that one goes through when such a trip is being anticipated. Maybe it was just something I ate, (I dined on sardine and bologna sandwiches for supper). It seems that the closer my time of departure, the more I feel a fear of what the future may bring. In so many ways I see this as the greatest step this fella has ever taken, at the same time I feel like running away and denying myself the goal I have set and planned on for many years, mainly this stems from the fear. There is no way I will run away. To be torn like this is not comfortable for any human. We face these feelings of mystery in our everyday lives, in business. I know and understand that decisions have to be made, and we have the responsibility to make them. Just to live means we inherit responsibility. I guess what I am finding is that a trip such as this requires rational thinking, common sense, and a lot of intestinal fortitude. I wander if I have that, I guess I will find out. I think I do. I believe this fear, this mystery, drives me to be more dedicated to the cause of meeting my appointed rounds. The best times of my life has been when the crunch was on. I have always thrived on being competitive and winning when the odds were against me. When I was a kid, I was raised going to Sunday School. I remember the stories of Paul (who I think was a very cool guy), and though I certainly couldn't compare myself to him, I can imagine what he felt when he got his call to journey and minister. I believe the future, and what it may hold for us is so mysterious that we sometimes suffer stress from it. Many of us, because of this stress never live out our dreams. We just find us a more comfy zone to live in, and live with the regrets of not doing what we wanted and maybe should have done. I on the other hand shall venture out on January 10. There are fears to be faced, and though I am not a brave man, I shall try to be a strong, and faithful man. My faith is greater than my intelligence. Someone stated in a reply a few days ago that they were not sure if I was a religious man, or a spiritual man. I am a believer in the matters of the heart, which would probably be categorized better in the spiritual folder, than the religious folder. I am a believer in humility, faith, love, and service. My teacher is God, my models are Jesus Christ, Ghandi, MLK, Paul, and my Grandaddy. Just to clarify, in case any of you are curious. Don't get me wrong, I like to have a beer, holler-n-cuss, and raise a little hell just like any other good ole boy. After all I was raised in the south and we do know how to play. I have in my lifetime snorted up about half of Peru, smoked most all of Columbia, not to mention North Carolina (Marlboro Light 100's), and I believe at one time I saw the ghost of Jack Daniels sitting on the hood of my car one night. I can't really be sure, it was either him George Dickel. ; ) Just needed to write. Maybe tonight I will have a salad for dinner, and then some soup. Charlie PS: The alternator works fine, I did a damn good job! : ) "79" Transporter, dressed for the road The Mothership The"Turning 40 Nostalgic VW Service Tour, and Search for the Beginning of Wind". www.armory.com/~y21cvb/charlie/charlie.html "Wider still and wider.....shall thy bounds be set"